Weblog

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

  • just an update

    I have not seen my boyfriend/fiance in about a month and a half. I realize that if you ask god to take things away from your life that are not good for you he will. I did not expect it to be so soon and I did not expect to feel this way. what way is that you ask? I want to feel lonely, I want to cry I want to say that I miss my other half, but i dont. you see when he started to hurt me..well what I consider hurt.. and no I am not talking about the physical, more mental. I guess that this hurt me the most because it consumed my day and I could not think about anything else. It made me feel an emptiness that was so overwelming that there was nothing  for me to do but to cry out to God for help. I asked him to take away the need to want this person in my life. I wanted it not to hurt as I pulled away to start my life over again. I did not say that  I stopped loving him because I have not.. I just feel that God has another purpose for me and I and that it does not consist of us being together. I am by no way saying that  I have made decisions for God. If this man is to remain in my life in another way than my friend than he will.  but all i can say is that god will show me. He asked me once if I missed him and I told him that I did but it felt like a lie. my soul longed for him to be near me.... to share what we use to have.. but I realized that living in the past  would only hinder my future. I know that God has wondrous things in store for me. You have to believe and trust in god. It is not only good to say that I WANT THINGS TO CHANGE BUT I MUST MOVE ON WITH THE CHANGE AND I HAVE STARTED. MY FIANCE was so devoted to ME, and this made me happy. I  now devote my time to doing things that make me happy and things that I know would be pleasing to god. I have now committed my self to only finding a godly man. I do not want to be yoked to together with anyone that is not pleasing to god even if that means losing the one I love that I chose on my own but not with gods help. I know that I have to rely on knowing that it is the will of God that good things will happen in my life. I now realize this is why I do not cry, that I don't feel lonely. My fiance told me once that I acted like  I could not live  without a guy. I  remembered my response was " I can live without  man I just did not want to live without him in my life." ...For all who read this.. that is  one of those why would I ever say something like that moments ? am I insane.. believe me I was at that moment. there is no guy in my life I can say that about. Does he know about all this that I am telling you.  I am still not at the  point in my life where I can sit and talk to him. not that I am not there but he is not there to the point to sit and  listen and believe me you for not want a guy that will not listen. If I told everyone about  how our relationship was in the beginning you would not believe that he is the person that I would want to try to leave.  should you really have to try to leave anyone? it is even strange for  me to say. but anyway. I have to let everyone know that there is nothing really wrong with my relationship and many people would be happy, no arguing, no fights no real big issues. but all that  to say that this means nothing to me without Time. time spent together is always better than time spent apart. 

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

  • Over a rough point in my life

    As you all know what ever i post her can be found on my other site as well sometimes i post different things but mostly they are the same. with the exception of the revelife site I tend to try to write things in relation to my faith. anyway here goes. I guess a lot has happened since my last post and well... like my title says ...I have just gotten over a rough point in my life. Things are better and yes for those of you wondering about my God Prayer.... he has shown me things and there were answers given to me... that I did not know about but they were there all the time. The fiance and I ...well things are no different and nothing has changed. I told him todayand yesterday  that it was going to be over between us if he did not take me out and do things with me , basically if he did not do what I want him to do than I was going to throw a fit. That is how I would put it in simple terms. His response was ..ok, say you promise. my respone.... I promise. Will I stick with it? No of course not... but maybe that put a little thought in his head that will keep him on his toes, for the next time I say somthing like that. Maybe he will start to wonder Is she really trying to tell me something or is she just joking around. well I guess I can tell you... there was some truth to what I said.... because I said it at a moment when I felt like he really was not being sensitive to my feelings. I think we all... when we feel that loneliness creep in (when your spouse is far away) tend to  to reevaluate how you are feeling at that moment. Nothing else matters. Not how may things you guys have shared ...not how they made you feel in the past, the only thing that matters is that moment...now.  My moment ...I felt that I wanted to break up with him..I wanted him to be out of my life..I dwelled on all the wrong he has ever did and just wanted to be.. ..free of him.  Of course this only lasted until the next time that I spoke to him. Then it was like that day never happened but to me but it  did.  I opened my mouth to tell him about it and nothing came out. He would probably take it the wrong way and we would break up for real. I wonder why does this happen?   I experience it more when he lets days go by on end and we have not spoken to one another. These are the endless days as i call it. You know where he sits around the house either watching tv(sports sunday) or just lounging and he refuses to call just to say...hi or anything...It burns me up. Yeah that is when I experience it the most. I know I should probably say something and eventually I will It is just right now I do not want to put more of a strain on our relationship than there already is. Love makes your heart weak and everything that I thought I had the strenght to do when it comes to him I am just figuring out that I don't...

Saturday, 28 February 2009

  • Lately...my business

    Lately I have had alot on my mind and Sometimes it gets to the point where I felt that I did not even want to share it with a blog. My whole life seems to start to unravel. When it deals with my relationship a lot has happened that I can not begin to explain that has changed my outlook of my boyfriend. I still love him and like with anyone we are working on things, I more than he. But then I realized that there is a feeling inside of me that I just cant shake. Every dream I have ends up with me being alone and on another path where I have changed the course of my  life therefore I have changed my destiny. At least the part that God has allowed me to control. I want to do right by him...god.  There are things in my relationship that I know that he is disappointed with me as I am disappointed in myself.  Rather it is with God or with my personal relationship, I just felt like it was my business and that is why I have not blogged in a while. There are just some things that  you should not share. 

Tuesday, 20 January 2009

  • Tired of people approaching me on foolishiness

    I just realized that I am just about tired of people not caring how they approach people well me on certain things.  I have to remember what I told my Honeynase and I meant it.  I am going to treat people better this time they are not even worth me blogging about so guess what I wont. I am to busy trying to find an apartment to deal with this right now.

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

  • My Scariest Nightmare - The Uninvited Contest

    I guess you can say that like most dreams  with the exception of all of the main characters were deceased. To give you some background information,I was in High school and just a few years before my family had decided to tell me the truth about my grandmother. You see I never knew she was my grandmother I honestly thought she was my mother.  Now I never knew the story before that my mother had died when I was very young. I always wondered what they were doing when they would pass me over the grave site after church.  My grandmother told me it was a ritual done to very young children so that the dead would not  bother them. I was in the 6th grade when I found out but My dream did not happen until I was a freshman in High school. We had just got out for christmas break and some friends and I were talking on the bus about parents and I distinctly remember telling them that I really did not cryor nor could I  miss what I never had. Well christmas came and went and I got in tne bed for a nights rest, I heard my grandmother tell me as she routinely did to say my prayers. Of course I did what I was told and went to sleep.

    The dream was so vivid and clear and I will never forget I was sitting with my family and we were in the kitchen.  I heard somone call my name under my bed I wanted to answer but I was told never do that(you know older people are so superstitious) I looked under the bed to see my sister at the edge of the bed beckening me to come and play with her. My sister was deceased also.  I stared to cry and looked around for help because she grabbed me and started to pull me under. I cried out and could see my family but they could not hear me. I then pulled away and started to run but was not going anywhere.  I screamed again and this time I heard a voice teling me to not be afraid that she was sorry she(my sister) would never hurt me.I looked a round to see an odd figure calling to me.  I knew this was my mother although I had never seen her before. She once again told me that she was sorry that she left me and that she would always be around. She asked me to come to her but I was afraid, so I did not go. Once again my grandmothers words came to mind. Never go with anyone in your dreams because you will die in your sleep and never come back.  I then saw tears in her eyes as I told her I just wanted to go back with the rest of the family. I told her that I loved her but I could not go.  She said that she understood and  that she only wanted to tell me one last thing... Happy birthday. I just cried harder and she drew nearer to place her hand on my shoulder...I than woke up a little after 12am it was my birthday and I had finally woke up out of my nightmare. My sheets were soaked with sweat and tears soaked my pillow. I had only been asleep for about two hours but talking to her seemed like and eternity,Why was it my scareiest nightmare...because I had never been afraid of death until that day and I had never had a dream to feel so real..and in may ways it was real to me.      

    I just blogged about my scariest nightmare to enter The Uninvited Scariest Nightmare Contest for 1,000 credits. You can earn free credits too! Brought to you by The Uninvited - In Theaters January 30th.

secqura

  • Visit secqura's Xanga Site
    • Name: secqura
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 9/16/2008

Weblog Archives

Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save" above and refresh the page.

About Me

  • I am a christain woman who is not on this site to meet anyone. I am open to meeting only mature friends. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man. If I do get friend request please do not ask with ill intentions of a starting a romantic relationship.

Pulse

Recommended

[no recommendations]